An Honest Letter to My Brother

"지호야-- 

There isn't much room for doubt, really. Maybe it's the simple understanding of receiving what I asked as a 4 year old, but loving you was just normal. I just did. I was your 누나 (nuna: Korean word for a boy to call his older sister), and you were the baby brother I wanted. But just as naturally as that love came, distance came hand-in-hand. Obviously, I was older and you were a boy (You came up to me as a 3 year old with a pink teacup in your hand, asking to play. I remember taking it away and telling you that pink was for girls. You haven't come back to play with me since...).

But like all relationships, we hit many bumps and fought. It was like Teenager was the jealous girlfriend and just like that, our "honeymoon" phase was gone. We didn't talk much, let alone share much in common. I was too busy enjoying high school, while you were growing taller and becoming your own person each day. Soon, I left for college and you were beginning high school. 

Fast-forward to both of our senior years of school, and you stopped going to church. Never mind your ability to make your own decisions, I very quickly made it about me. I was upset at myself for all those lost chances of spending time with you. It was because I wasn't a good example.  I should have been more intentional. I should have said this instead of that. I should have... How prideful. I believed that my decisions and actions would have the power to save. 

Over time, I learned and am still learning that this is all in God's sovereignty. There are many things in our lives and in this world that we just simply can't fathom. But, what I do know and believe is that God has a plan, and it is perfect. Our perspective of perfect is distorted and molded to the capacity of our minds, but once we understand God's purpose in all things -- that's when it becomes truly perfect.

So why do I share this? Because today, you are 21. I will always remember 21 years ago today, I tip-toed up to the window to see the nurse holding you. There were many nurses holding babies that day, but I knew that you were my brother, because you winked at me, I SWEAR (okay, really, you were yawning in retrospect). And 21 years later, both you and I are in places that weren't even in our imagination. It has been quite the years past, and I am certain that much more awaits for us in the time we are given. 

But for now, I want you to know, that there isn't a greater gift I can share with you other than the love of Christ. I wish I could go back in time and do things differently, but I can't. And I so wish I could control what is to happen, but I can't. All I can do is remind you as often as I can remember, that I love you, but to remind you more often that our God loves you more. 

It is my sincere prayer that you will grow this year, as a man who truly finds the solid ground to stand firmly on. Just as your senior quote said, "If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything." None of the aforementioned sentiments should come as a surprise to you, but more so as a reminder. Remember that I will always love you, despite the innumerable and inevitable mistakes we will make towards each other.

Just as you looked forward to turning 21, I look forward to the day you come home to Christ. Until then, don't forget that I love you and remember the Gospel you so excitedly explained to me way back when.

Happy birthday!!!!!!

- 누나"

My Heart.