Who Am I? Part II

As Joe and I have been wedding planning, I've been thinking a lot more about who I am and how I came to be. Random childhood memories would pop up out of the blue, and it'll make me nostalgic. I would be talking to childhood friends and we would sit there gaping speechlessly at the question, "When did we grow up? Where did the time go?"

To be completely honest, being engaged is like dating on crack. While dating had the uncertainty of the future looming over our heads, being engaged has this weird period of waiting before the actual wedding day. Don't get me wrong, it's really fun when it's fun. It's still very surreal that I am here planning for a day that I've been waiting for since I was a little girl. I knew making those wedding boards on Pinterest freshman year of college would be worthwhile someday... But I'm not going to lie. When it's hard, it's hard.

It's really a whole concoction of emotions during this period; bittersweet because I don't want to "leave and cleave"; frustrated because I'm so selfish; excited because I'm marrying Joe; awkward because sometimes I feel lost in this transition; giddy because Joe and I are putting our home together; stupid because I know so little about finances; so thankful for other sisters who have gone before me; scared of making mistakes; relieved because my mom is always by my side; insecure about my sins; weird making decisions independent of my parents; pressured to enjoy this moment; sorry for feeling all of the above...

So I sit here wondering. Are other people like this too? What's wrong with me? Can we just get married at city hall?

But like any other season in my life, there's always one constant that remains: God is good, and I need this God daily. Who I am in this world is heavily contingent on who I am in Christ. My identity in this world needs to be rooted and stem from my identity in Christ. And gosh dang it, it's just so hard sometimes! I desire and aspire to be a wife and mom like my mom is, and let me tell you-- that is such a high standard. But I ask myself, do I want and aspire to be like Christ as much as I want to be a good wife and mom? Probably not...

On days that are harder than others, I always go back and meditate on my favorite verses in Ecclesiastes 5:18-20.

"Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot. Everyone also to whom God has given wealth and possessions and power to enjoy them, and to accept his lot and rejoice in his toil—this is the gift of God. For he will not much remember the days of his life because God keeps him occupied with joy in his heart."

I really hope that I can cultivate a bigger desire to be like Christ, inspired by his Word and the sweet communion of prayer. And I hope that I will be satisfied in Him alone, and I hope that having my salvation will occupy my heart with joy each and every day. Now that Thanksgiving is around the corner, I am reminded of how soon this year will come to an end... Time doesn't stop for anyone, and it really is my responsibility to delight in what I am given and let my joy give God the glory... whatever season I am in.

With that, here are a few things I'm thankful for:

• I'm thankful for Pastor Peter and his heart for His church.  
• I'm thankful for having parents. I got the best of both worlds. 
• I'm blessed to have a sibling. Being a sibling and having a sibling is such an invaluable learning experience.
• I'm thankful for my past, for it is the most tangible way I see God's fingerprints.
• I'm thankful for Temecula, because it gave me a place to call home after years of moving. #hatersgonnahate 
• I'm thankful for UCI, because it gave me older brothers and sisters I never had. 
• I'm thankful for my fiance. I can't seem to get rid of him, no matter how ugly my heart gets. I think he's crazy, but he calls it love and commitment.
• I'm thankful for being Korean. I think it's self-explanatory...
• I'm thankful for having reasons to be thankful for.
• I'm thankful for the different seasons in my life, for it reminds me of God's constant love and faithfulness. Especially in this season of life where I get to look forward to a lifetime of growth with the best possible person for me.... 

Here's to enjoying each day that makes up the many seasons in life! Hopefully each day that passes I am a day closer to becoming more like Christ...

Soli Deo Gloria.